After a busy week, I am glad to finally have time to write what’s been going on both in my life and on my mind.
The end of 2015 has proven to be quite the test in my patience and emotional strength. Since September I have been preoccupied with applying into graduate programs. It was around that time that I decided to start a blog as well. That’s something that’s in my personality I think; wanting to do so many things at once. It’s like I’m some circus act that is balancing on a beach ball while spinning china plates on wooden poles. What’s that called, a glutton for punishment? Maybe so.
Fast forward to November; interview time. Emotional checklist: Nervous? Yes. Anxious? Yes. Scared? Hella yes. Optimistic? Yes? Okay let’s do this and see how it goes. SPOILER ALERT: They both go well.
I’m so happy that I get accepted to both programs but by this point my nerves are shot from the stress I had put myself through. Now the hard part comes, deciding where I want to go. University A was “shining, shimmering, splendid” in my eyes. Sure, it was farther from home but it had an impressive program, lovely faculty and I had met some nice people on interview day. Despite the horrendous weather, the experience still left me with a smile on my face, but still nerves in my heart. University B was home where my family and friends are. I wouldn’t have to worry about living alone or paying rent, bills or any adult thing like that. I say adult because I hardly consider myself one. Even though I’m 23, I feel like I’m in a stuck in a place of adolescence and adulthood. Adultescence? Right now, I am in adultescence and still learning about the world.
I ultimately chose to stay here, at my home university. I wanted to wake up to the Crayola green walls of my bedroom, the sunsets of Nowhere Ranch and my blue heeler’s wagging tail. It hurt me to think about living away from my parents when it’s not entirely necessary. It might just be me, but I feel like I have an obligation to still be with my parents until I am well established enough to be on my own. As an only child, I’m much closer to my parents than what might be considered normal. I’ve been with them 24/7 for all of my life, and then to just move and go cold turkey would probably drive me to extreme homesickness.
I also kept thinking about mortality a lot during this process. I’ve read that when thinking about someone you love dying or being sick, it gives you appreciation of said person even more than usual. I thought, “I can’t leave my parents while I still have them.” They aren’t that up in age but no one really knows when it’s their time. Better make it count while it lasts. Unfortunately for me, when I tell my brain to stop having me imagine such morbid thoughts, all it does is send me even more depressing thoughts. Turns out I am my own worst enemy after all.
After getting out of that funk, it was back to anxiety when it was time for orientation. I had more questions than answers by that point and I had no clue of who the other admitted students were. They were all 4.0 professionals in my imagination, ready to chew me up and spit me out. Thank you, overactive imagination, you really know how to calm a girl. Orientation was a survivable experience, I didn’t come out with friends but there’s a good 2-3 years for that to happen. For now, I had my nerves settled once again.
Now we’re at the present, I’m sitting on my bed and typing this out with a settled stomach, no stress headache and a fairly light heart. After all the clouds of doubt and fear, the rays of optimistic sunshine are filtering through and giving me hope of what the future might hold.
The home I mentioned in the title isn’t just referring to where I live, no. This blog is also my home. It’s a place where I can relax and say what’s on my mind. My home page is the front door, welcoming all of my wonderful fellow bloggers and readers. An Offbeat Bluestocking is a place where you can metaphorically take of your shoes and curl your toes into the soft sherpa rug and enjoy a nice hot beverage.
It’s almost serendipitous in having this blog. In the months to come, I believe I’ll have a stronger appreciation for writing uncensored; writing whatever I want however I want. The writing I will have to do for classes is going to be vastly different from the writing I’ll be posting here. After writing who knows how many scientific research papers, I will enjoy coming here to relax and work out my creativity. Thank you to all my blogger friends who have repeatedly encouraged me and welcomed me into this community of writers and other creative souls.
A last note to add; something amazing happened to me today. It’s the second more important thing that has happened in my life (that was positive anyway.)
I was quoted in a magazine! 😀
I’m in no way a professional anything so just seeing a small tidbit of my writing in a real life article of publication is truly astounding.
Bella Grace Magazine is a wonderful seasonal magazine that has more of a book feel than a regular magazine. It features amazing stories, narratives and photographs of uplifting messages and the frame of mind that “Life’s a Beautiful Journey.” It’s a recent favorite of mine and once I saw my name on one of its pages, I had to buy it.
In case it’s hard to read in the picture, this is what I wrote:
“I love the smell of the earth after a rainstorm, the way the steam from a perfect cup of tea spirals up and ebbs away, and I also love the different pastel hues of a sunset.”
It’s no novel or essay but it’s the first step to getting there!
That’s all for today, now it’s time to enjoy the weekend by reading the rest of this magazine. Cheers!