Never Anyone’s First Choice

Something has been going through my mind– I’ve never been anyone’s first choice at anything.

Not for a best friend, favorite cousin, playmate, partner or even to work with a group for school.

Am I that unlikeable? Do I give off such a vibe that I don’t want anyone near me so they just stay away? For most situations I’ve alluded this back to my diagnosis of “Resting Bitch Face” which I’ve written in more detail here.  All my life i’ve felt like a misfit where’s there is never a place for me. When people are going right, I go left. When they inhale, I exhale. I cut corners on the grass instead of following the concrete path. Since childhood I’ve been so offbeat that I’ve noticed it affects my interactions with other people. At least, I’ve been letting it affect me in that way.

Learning about being a counselor has opened my eyes to how we function as human beings and how we go about things a certain way only because that’s what we’re used to as opposed to what makes the most sense. One of these being the capability of making choices.

All this time I’ve let things that other people say affect my emotions and in turn, playing on my own insecurities without them even knowing it. Letting their words hurt me give them power over myself. “What you said really hurt me.” Instead of that why not “I won’t let what you said hurt me because I know it isn’t true.”

Having that train of thought is difficult…in my own counseling sessions I’ve realized that changing the way I think is going to be a constant battle of correcting erroneous thoughts that affect my being. Does this affect you too? Are you constantly allowing others comments or actions affect the way you feel about yourself, in turn, feeling powerless over your own emotions? If you don’t, that’s terrific. Maybe it doesn’t happen all the time, but there must have been some moments where someone, maybe a friend or relative, has said that something that left you simmer over it later.

What I have been trying to do is allow the hurtful emotions occur. I don’t want to ignore or suppress them where they will just come out later and stronger. I let myself feel it, and become aware of why it bothers me so much. Then, I internalize the awareness and make it positive. Maybe it’s not that I don’t fit in, maybe I am making myself stand out.

In my previous post, a reader commented that having a balance of positivity and negativity are essential for appreciating the good and being prepared for the bad. I agree wholeheartedly with what she said and in terms of dealing with life in general, that’s a solid thought to have and to put into action.

Negativity is erroneous when it is immobilizing to you and you cannot move forward in your life. Always jealous? Short fuse? Constant worrier? Hard on yourself?

Reminding yourself about thinking in the light is more difficult than staying in the dark, I know because I’m there now. I’m constantly correcting myself on any negative thoughts or immobilizing behaviors that I have.

Instead of thinking “Why don’t I fit in?” Maybe I’ll try “I already fit in.” I don’t need anyone’s approval or validation because I can validate myself. I am my first choice.


 

It’s been a long week and I am glad it’s over. I had assignments and meetings and I lost an expensive book that I use for school. My mood was already blue so once I discovered I lost this important book, I cried. Yes, I cried over a book. I was at my wit’s end and was just 1000% done that I gave up and cried. All the emotions from the week just exploded and once I was done, it left me tired but also a bit relieved.

I can always buy another book. The stressful week is over and now I can focus on relaxing and preparing for the next week of being busy.

Part of what I wrote in this post was part of an existential “crisis” I had in the middle of yoga class. It was the first time I was practicing yoga with other people and when everyone was inhaling I was in the middle of an exhale. The more I keep in tune with myself, the more I’ve realized that the name for this blog was more appropriate than what I initially thought..

Have a nice weekend everyone, I’ll be busy rebooting!

 

 

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About C.G

I write what I'm passionate about. I believe in the therapeutic process of writing because it keeps me sane and motivated. This blog is made up of poems, narratives and other musings.
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13 Responses to Never Anyone’s First Choice

  1. Kate says:

    I’ve had many of the same feelings you have had, especially about not being someone’s first choice. I often have felt in the past as if there are some sort of rules in these situations that everyone else knows that I do not. Or if I have an idea what the rules are, I can’t bring myself to follow them. This is a really good post, especially the part about reminding yourself about thinking in the light.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ClarissaG says:

      I’m sorry that you have those same feelings too, but I hope that reading this has helped open some part of you that now knows thinking positively is just in our best interest and it will pay off for each of us in the long run. Thanks for reading and for your comment 🙂

      Like

  2. clcouch123 says:

    Believing in the win-win strategy, I should think being picked second or last shouldn’t matter, though it does. I’ve been having the trouble of being rejected, out and out. No selection necessary. And I’ve had to have the feelings that come with this, wanting to or not (and who wants to). What people say affects me, especially since I’m already my harshest critic. Frankly, I try to shield myself off from the worst, while at the same not over-relishing the best. Sigh, it gets hard. What you’re writing about gets really hard.

    I’m glad you’re learning better ways and applying these. I don’t know, I feel for students’ costs. I think I might cry for you over a lost and expensive book. In addition, I think grass is made to walk on. I can’t think of any other reason. I went to a school where there were keep-off-the-grass signs all over. One late afternoon, my roommate and I went out behind the dorm and played Frisbee. Such rebellion!

    Clarissa, thanks for sharing your discoveries and your journey here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ClarissaG says:

      I know how you feel, those emotions have taken me into dark places and it’s very hard to change the way you think. For now just being aware that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself is enough. If you do try it, I hope it helps. Thank you for sympathizing, I can imagine this happens to students a lot. I had called the lost and found all choked up and the girl I spoke to was very apologetic that they didn’t have it. Yes, grass was definitely made to be enjoyed, not just for looking at. Thank you for your comment and for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. RonniN says:

    Hey Clarissa~

    I feel you. I’m a class-A worrier and negative self-talker from a long way back. And, I’ve always been a square peg in a round-hole world. Not to sound too cliche or condescending, but when you get to be my age (50), you get used to it. Shit will eventually run off your back (sorry for the weird visual), and what others think of you, even to some degree what you think of yourself, will become less important. This doesn’t mean stuff won’t get to you…it certainly will. But you will get better at internalizing it, and viewing it from a place of less ego and more detachment (and you don’t have to be Buddhist to manage this). Then, you will either change the way you think of the situation and other people, or you will change yourself and your own behavior accordingly. It’s as you say, though: You do fit. Maybe not to other folks’ specifications or expectations, but in your own, unique way. You are a voice and a force in the world. Believe this, and you will always move forward. Even when you get to be my age! On another subject: I am a grad student too (Multicultural Ed and ESL), a huge geek, and I am always learning. People like us are constantly questioning questioning the world, and our place in it. This can be a lonely vocation, but also very gratifying, a reason to go on. So keep your head up, and keep going! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • ClarissaG says:

      Hello! Thank you for your wonderfully informative feedback! I certainly do feel like a square peg in a round hole and I hope I can be as resilient as you in the years to come. Your graduate studies sounds interesting and quite necessary! Again, thank you for reading and for your feedback!

      Like

  4. Kate says:

    Reblogged this on hot plate kate and commented:
    Reblogging generally is not my thing. However, I thought this was a terrific post. Much of what Clarissa talks about are things that I struggled with especially when I was younger. Very thought provoking.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can completely relate to this…. I have never been anybody’s first choice. There are some-days it makes we feel really awful and then other days I convince myself that I don’t really care. Such is life I suppose….

    Like

  6. This is a wonderful post. You will make a good counselor with these understanding and I totally relate with a good number of things that you say about feelings and how we react to other peoples comments. I think it’s all mind over matter and once one starts practicing it, they eventually get to grips with these challenges.

    Liked by 1 person

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