Something has been going through my mind– I’ve never been anyone’s first choice at anything.
Not for a best friend, favorite cousin, playmate, partner or even to work with a group for school.
Am I that unlikeable? Do I give off such a vibe that I don’t want anyone near me so they just stay away? For most situations I’ve alluded this back to my diagnosis of “Resting Bitch Face” which I’ve written in more detail here. All my life i’ve felt like a misfit where’s there is never a place for me. When people are going right, I go left. When they inhale, I exhale. I cut corners on the grass instead of following the concrete path. Since childhood I’ve been so offbeat that I’ve noticed it affects my interactions with other people. At least, I’ve been letting it affect me in that way.
Learning about being a counselor has opened my eyes to how we function as human beings and how we go about things a certain way only because that’s what we’re used to as opposed to what makes the most sense. One of these being the capability of making choices.
All this time I’ve let things that other people say affect my emotions and in turn, playing on my own insecurities without them even knowing it. Letting their words hurt me give them power over myself. “What you said really hurt me.” Instead of that why not “I won’t let what you said hurt me because I know it isn’t true.”
Having that train of thought is difficult…in my own counseling sessions I’ve realized that changing the way I think is going to be a constant battle of correcting erroneous thoughts that affect my being. Does this affect you too? Are you constantly allowing others comments or actions affect the way you feel about yourself, in turn, feeling powerless over your own emotions? If you don’t, that’s terrific. Maybe it doesn’t happen all the time, but there must have been some moments where someone, maybe a friend or relative, has said that something that left you simmer over it later.
What I have been trying to do is allow the hurtful emotions occur. I don’t want to ignore or suppress them where they will just come out later and stronger. I let myself feel it, and become aware of why it bothers me so much. Then, I internalize the awareness and make it positive. Maybe it’s not that I don’t fit in, maybe I am making myself stand out.
In my previous post, a reader commented that having a balance of positivity and negativity are essential for appreciating the good and being prepared for the bad. I agree wholeheartedly with what she said and in terms of dealing with life in general, that’s a solid thought to have and to put into action.
Negativity is erroneous when it is immobilizing to you and you cannot move forward in your life. Always jealous? Short fuse? Constant worrier? Hard on yourself?
Reminding yourself about thinking in the light is more difficult than staying in the dark, I know because I’m there now. I’m constantly correcting myself on any negative thoughts or immobilizing behaviors that I have.
Instead of thinking “Why don’t I fit in?” Maybe I’ll try “I already fit in.” I don’t need anyone’s approval or validation because I can validate myself. I am my first choice.
It’s been a long week and I am glad it’s over. I had assignments and meetings and I lost an expensive book that I use for school. My mood was already blue so once I discovered I lost this important book, I cried. Yes, I cried over a book. I was at my wit’s end and was just 1000% done that I gave up and cried. All the emotions from the week just exploded and once I was done, it left me tired but also a bit relieved.
I can always buy another book. The stressful week is over and now I can focus on relaxing and preparing for the next week of being busy.
Part of what I wrote in this post was part of an existential “crisis” I had in the middle of yoga class. It was the first time I was practicing yoga with other people and when everyone was inhaling I was in the middle of an exhale. The more I keep in tune with myself, the more I’ve realized that the name for this blog was more appropriate than what I initially thought..
Have a nice weekend everyone, I’ll be busy rebooting!