The Real Me

Today was a bad day.

No, nothing eventfully tragic happened today..honestly I had a string of really good days lately so this bad day was completely unwarranted.

You see, there are times (usually when I’m happy) that I have this thought creep up in the back of my mind. You’re going to suffer later. You have to balance this good day with a bad one soon. 

I always try to avoid it but sooner or later, there is a day when the tears still come.

I don’t know if it’s bipolar disorder..I don’t know what is wrong with me that I am wired to believe that when I have an extremely good day, a bad one is sure to follow because God forbid I just be happy.

I find this unusually ironic. You would think as a graduate student studying counseling that I would have everything under control. In fact it seems quite the opposite. On days likes today, it feels like everything is unraveling and I am left with no shred of who I was left.

Or maybe, who I thought I was. I don’t really know.

Which brings me to the point of this whole blog post.

I had a thought. Maybe it’s a ridiculious thought, or maybe it’s the way of the truth coming out in its signature harshness.

Who is the real me?

Is it the me who is always smiling, laughs freely and can enjoy everything that happens in a day? Is it the me who sees a purpose in everyone and everything and tries to keep true that love is infinite and unconditional deep to its roots?

Or is that just the facade that hides the real me? The smile being my defense to hide my secrets of insecurity and worthlessness. Is the real me the one who cries because she finds no worth in herself and tries to fix problems that are not her own and find only pain when she fails to do so?

When I am in the moment of either a good or bad day, both of these versions of myself feel more real than the other. So which is it?

I need to figure it out.

Is it normal to be this self-aware if suffering from a mental illness? Would I even dare call it that? Not to say I would be ashamed of saying it if I did…but at my caliber of self worth at the moment…I don’t feel like my problems can match up to those of others.

I didn’t mean to start off the new year with such a negative post. But this is real life. This is my life that I document and to be honest, life isn’t all sunshine and daisies.

I want to be as authentic as I can to myself and to all of you. I’d say it is easier to do so behind a computer screen but I digress.

To those of you who also have bad days..don’t give your power away to circumstance. Don’t let yourself sink into the hole that you created to drown in. I’m down but I’m not out. I will fight to get out of that hole.

There’s something that I found myself repeating today:

Make it a good day. 

 

I hope it helps.

Thanks for reading.

 

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About ClarissaG

I write what I'm passionate about. I believe in the therapeutic process of writing because it keeps me sane and motivated. This blog is made up of poems, narratives and other musings.
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