If I’m Being Honest…

Nov. 3: If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?

If I said I wanted to be honest with myself, would that be taking the easy way out?

I suppose it would…besides, even though I’m not always 100% honest with myself, it doesn’t mean I’m not aware of everything within myself.

If I could be completely honest..to anyone..it would be to the one person who broke my heart.

I would tell them how their betrayal had affected me and scarred me as I grew up and lived my life feeling inadequate and unworthy. This toxic inferiority complex had reached its peak after I reached my 20’s and now that I am in grad school, I am trying to overcome these issues so I can live my best life.

I don’t know if I am ready for forgiveness.

I know I can’t forget.

But I know I’m not weak for fighting this fight this long..

Maybe I can even be honest with myself when I say that I am strong.


Prompt from BlogHer.com

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Day 2: Being Brave

Nov. 2: When was the last time you did something brave? What happened?

When I think of bravery, I can’t think of anything I have done that contributes to that word. Being brave can mean so many different things from saving a person’s life to stepping on that creepy spider in the bathroom.

I guess it’s all in one’s perspective on what bravery really is.

Something that I have done that can be slightly considered brave is standing up for myself.

Being an only child, I grew up not really used to confrontation. I didn’t have to defend myself against siblings or bullies because I didn’t go through those experiences as a child. Not even when I was older in high school or college, things just generally went smooth and I minded my own business and got in no one’s way.

However, I have noticed that after starting graduate school, I have had to learn how to defend myself from other’s…comments.

My patience for these comments had begun to run thin and so once I finally decided to set things straight (albeit it wasn’t harsh) I felt better for doing it. It is possible to stand for my own honor without being rude or disrespectful. Just because someone goes down to that level doesn’t mean I have to follow suit.

I think it makes me better for it. Standing up for yourself is empowering and although it was a baby step, it made me feel good.

 

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NaBloPoMo Start!!

Okay, so as some of you may have noticed…I took the month of October off. Yep, I disappeared for that long even though it wasn’t my intention. SO what I am going to do to make up for that (for you readers and for myself) is to participate in NaBloPoMo this year. I tried it out last year for a few days and then it fell away like most things in my life.

Not this time!

I am going to be committed to write everyday. I need to prove to myself that I can do it. I can’t underestimate it like I did last year. I won’t lose!

Here is the prompt for Day 1 (which was yesterday so I’ll post twice today)

Nov. 1: When you’re having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?

This prompt is rather appropriate since I took a self-care day not too long ago. One of my issues is that I constantly doubt my self-worth and my capabilities and I am not afraid to admit it. No one is perfect; that’s an absolute truth.

When I am not feeling at my best, I like to keep myself in a gentle environment for as long as I can. I do things I enjoy and take it easy in terms of daily activities. Just because your body is capable of doing strenuous work, it doesn’t mean your mind and soul are up to the challenge. I like to light a candle for ambiance, open the shades of my window to see the trees and sunlight and put on some peaceful music (I prefer my Yoga Sanctuary playlist on Pandora).

Being comfortable is key for me. I unabashedly stay in my pajamas all day because:

  1. You don’t have to change clothes when you wake up
  2. They are COZY and COMFORTABLE

Also, I like to keep my diet as clean and as unprocessed as I can have it. Fruits, salads and lots of water help not only the soul but the body feel a little better too.

Oh, and maybe some dark chocolate here and there. ūüėČ

Yoga and self-meditation are important, especially on those days where I am not my best. When I start getting into my darker thoughts, it’s always a battle to dig myself out of that self-deprecating hole. So by practicing yoga or just closing my eyes and thinking of good things, that takes some of that away. It doesn’t magically make things better, but at least by making it my choice to feel better, it is one step closer than if I wasn’t.

My faith helps me when even the sweetest smelling candle has gone out. After I pray, the sun always seems a bit brighter and my chest feels lighter so I can breathe easier. I think about the love that I have in my life and how lucky I am to have it.

Even if things are not working well for you right now, they do get better in time.

Lastly, don’t be afraid or ashamed to hide your emotions. We have them for a reason, to express our inner selves. I believe the best way to honor our own selves is to be as true to who we are and how we feel in the present. Cry if you need to cry. Hit that pillow and sure, go ahead and say that curse word if it will make you feel better.

That’s the endgame to all this, isn’t it?

 

 

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Celebrating An Offbeat Bluestocking’s 1st Birthday!

Technically WordPress considers it an anniversary but you know…any reason to celebrate!

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Happy 1st Birthday to my blog-baby!

It is hard to realize that an entire year has passed by. The only way I can believe it is because I can look back to my older posts and see how much I have grown as a writer, a student, and a human being.

I tried to expand my creativity into other avenues and go beyond my comfort zone by joining groups like Poetry 101. I learned, I was challenged and best of all, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

I was at a low point when I started this blog. I had just about finished a year of doing nothing after graduating from college and was starting to feel that my bachelor’s degree was just an expensive wall decoration. I was rejected from a graduate program and took that year off mainly for self-pity. I felt like I had failed myself and my family; everything I worked hard for screeched to a halt with a resounding¬†no.¬†

An Offbeat Bluestocking¬†gave me something to do…it took my mind out of the harsh reality of my failure and self-loathing just enough to find pleasure in writing again. Sure, I had a fear of rejection again. ‘Maybe I suck at writing?’ ‘What if no one reads it?’ ‘What if no one¬†likes¬†it?’¬† But despite all that, I started it anyway. I wrote about my thoughts, wrote poems and ‘blurb’ narratives because in the end, this is my blog and I can write whatever I want.

I write what I want to read.

After this blog was started, slowly the pieces of my life were coming back together. I got accepted into another graduate program which now seems like a better fit. Who knows, maybe I will still reach my same endgame if I so choose.

One thing I did learn was that life is not a straight line from point A to point B. There are forks in the road and loop-de-loops and webbed lines that are tangled so close that you can’t be sure there is even a way out. But once you do finally make it, you see there is a way out. There always is.

Indeed, I’ve had some highs and lows this past year and having this small piece of electronic real estate has made me learn not only about myself but from others here as well.

These talented and beautiful writers are people I look up to and consider to be my friends.

Rosemawrites from A Reading Writer

You were the first person to connect with me after I joined WordPress and I just wanted to say thank you for reaching out and saying hello! I am so glad I was able to connect with a fellow millennial on this platform. Your writing and dedication to it is inspiring and I hope to not procrastinate so much so our shared love for writing (and reading) can grow! Thank you.

Jacqueline Oby-Ikocha from A Cooking Pot and Twisted Tales

Lovely Miss Jacqueline, I see you as a great inspiration and hope to write with as much passion as you do! Thank you for your friendship and feedback. You are always so encouraging. I read your wisdom in your writing and cannot help but feel enlightened with your words. Thank you.

Michelle Cook from Putting My Feet in the Dirt 

Michelle, what can I say that I haven’t already said? Your writing touches my soul in such a way that I feel like I know you although we never met. Our shared faith in God is something I appreciate because in the world we live in today, sometimes all we need is a little faith. Your feedback and messages always bring a smile upon my face and I look forward to many more! Thank you.

Christopher Couch from ClCouch123

Christopher, I want to say thank you for deeply insightful messages of feedback. Your writing makes me think, and I enjoy that! You are a kind and deep soul who writes about the important things going on in the world in such a beautiful and lyrical way that I wish everyone could read your poetry. I appreciate your words of wisdom and encouragement. Thank you.

Fico from Fico’s Gaming Mind

Fico, it has been a pleasure getting to know you through your writing. I enjoyed meeting a writer who shares gaming interests like I do! (although yours are at a higher level than mine, I’m sure.) We collaborated on a post together and shared a similar mindset about writing on the internet. I hope you continue to write because you find joy in it. For being my friend and fellow writer I say: Thank you.

To all of you, I want to tell you that you are all inspiring and gifted writers and people that are enlightening others through your writing. I know this because I am one of those so lucky to read your works. I hope that with this passing year our experiences here can continue to be positive ones!

Now for some closing thoughts:

I am looking forward to this new year of activity on¬†An Offbeat Bluestocking! Not making any promises that I will post every day..I’m still getting the hang of balancing school with real life and writing. However, I am going to push myself to write more and to become more aware of inspiration in places I might not have seen before.

I hope to write more poetry and more therapeutic pieces that not only help myself but others as well. I can’t make plans for the entire year but I can plan for right now.

Right now it is time to enjoy life right as I’m living it.

Thank you everyone so much for reading this special birthday post!

(Here’s looking forward to the second birthday!)

 

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Ch-Ch-Changes!

As I was talking with a friend yesterday, she told me that I was much more positive than I was before. Usually, I don’t associate the word ‘positive’ with my attitude. I’m no Negative Nancy but I liked to think that I was a realist.

Right after that comment she asked about how my classes were going. I thought to myself,¬†‘maybe the program is changing me?’¬†Could I have been changing throughout the Counseling program and not even know it? That must be it because it took someone else to notice a change before I recognized it within myself.

I find it interesting how such changes can be so covert, so deep in our subconscious, that we don’t even know we are changing until we are already changed. At least, it was unconscious for me because I know I wasn’t actively trying to change.

It’s a bit unnerving to think about however it is reassuring that positive changes can be so easy. My professors have always said that the program changes their students by helping them be more open, empathetic and understanding. I guess it helps with positivity too.

Well, if it is true that I’m more positive, then it means that one of my new year’s resolutions actually stuck throughout the year!

Whether changes happen through reframing by repetition or brainwashing (joking) then it really means anyone can change as long as they are open to it.

Anyway, this is as much writing as I can get in for now..I hope to update with something creative soon! Also…it’s almost time for the one year birthday of this blog! Something for that is in the works so stay tuned!

I hope you all have a lovely and safe weekend and see you in the next post!

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I wanted to share an update of a special something I bought at the bookstore yesterday. Look at this beauty!

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This is a lovely leather journal that was handmade in Italy. The pages are lined with raw cut edges and best of all it was on sale for 50% off..I had a coupon for 15% off so I got it for¬†65% off!¬†It was around 12 US dollars which was a good deal after closer inspection of the quality of this journal. I couldn’t stop smelling it once I brought it home. That’s not weird right? I love the smell of leather and paper. The cover has gold accents and the spine has an antique book vibe.

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I own so many other journals BUT they are mostly empty. I never know what to write in one because I want the contents to be worthy enough for such a beautiful vessel! I wouldn’t want to use it as a diary because I never know what to write about on a day to day basis. Maybe something more creative? If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know! I’m itching to start writing in it!

 

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Making Brain-space

If there is something that I have personally learned through writing, it’s that it gives me a chance to organize my thoughts. Before I even start typing I envision my thoughts jumbled into this large ball of tangled sentences just waiting to be unraveled word by word like a string of yarn. So after being caught up in summer classes these past few months, it had taken me a weekend with nothing to do to realize that I had a lot of clutter in my mind.

I just finished a YA novel (Letting Ana Go by Anonymous. It’s intense and insightful) and in it was a quote where the narrator mentioned that writing cleared her mind and created “brain-space” which made her feel more relaxed. As I have blogged about this in the past, I realized that when I write I create brain-space too; I get that feeling of relief after writing about my thoughts and emotions.

I always want to write about so many things, most of my posts are about multiple topics. It may be scatter-brained or compartmentalizing, I don’t know.

So what is this post about?

Relief that I get two weeks off before the Fall term starts? The stress that I have been suppressing which has clearly had effects on my skin? The fact that everyday I want to save the world and do all the things while I currently have the energy of a potato?

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I think I just want to write about writing (at least in this post) and how good it feels to write.

I want to write stories and poetry and mistakes that I have made so that others won’t have to go through the same pain. Just as reading is, writing is a form of healing.

Wow, I’ve been writing about writing…maybe next post will have some substance!

I realize this blog I’ve created is available to the public, and because of it I have made some dear friends who are so talented and passionate about writing but I also keep this blog as a sort of journal for myself. I keep it so whenever I doubt myself or forget why I bother writing, I can read these posts and become inspired again. I never want to lose this magical feeling of clacking away at my computer in the late-night and clearing away the word/yarn ball in my brain.

My brain-space is cleared up…time to fill it with other things.

Thank you for reading!

 

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Short but Necessary

This is not a political post.

I am constantly being bombarded with such toxicity every single day with the recent events that have occurred these past few weeks…Innocent civilians murdered..innocent police officers murdered. It’s in all our media, facebook, newspapers and tv stations like CNN and Fox News.
I just have to get this off my chest. No I don’t want to start any arguments.

All lives matter.

Me stating this doesn’t mean that I don’t think the problems of one group should be silenced. I’m not saying “Hush now, can’t you see we all have problems?” What I’m saying is that every innocent life is worth just as much as the next. Black lives matter. Police lives matter. Gay lives matter. Transgender lives matter.

ALL. LIVES. MATTER.

The problems of one are the problems of all, we are connected. If there is racism, it affects everyone. Politics won’t fix it. Only the people can fix this. In the bigger picture with us united as Americans (because that is who we are) can we take the first steps into changing things for the better.
What we are facing is much bigger than race or stereotypes. It’s even bigger than who the next President is going to be. What we face is something that can change our future..but what choices will we make to give ourselves and our children a favorable future?

Be the best person you can be. All lives matter. Yours, mine and the other strangers in the world.

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