The Real Me

Today was a bad day.

No, nothing eventfully tragic happened today..honestly I had a string of really good days lately so this bad day was completely unwarranted.

You see, there are times (usually when I’m happy) that I have this thought creep up in the back of my mind. You’re going to suffer later. You have to balance this good day with a bad one soon. 

I always try to avoid it but sooner or later, there is a day when the tears still come.

I don’t know if it’s bipolar disorder..I don’t know what is wrong with me that I am wired to believe that when I have an extremely good day, a bad one is sure to follow because God forbid I just be happy.

I find this unusually ironic. You would think as a graduate student studying counseling that I would have everything under control. In fact it seems quite the opposite. On days likes today, it feels like everything is unraveling and I am left with no shred of who I was left.

Or maybe, who I thought I was. I don’t really know.

Which brings me to the point of this whole blog post.

I had a thought. Maybe it’s a ridiculious thought, or maybe it’s the way of the truth coming out in its signature harshness.

Who is the real me?

Is it the me who is always smiling, laughs freely and can enjoy everything that happens in a day? Is it the me who sees a purpose in everyone and everything and tries to keep true that love is infinite and unconditional deep to its roots?

Or is that just the facade that hides the real me? The smile being my defense to hide my secrets of insecurity and worthlessness. Is the real me the one who cries because she finds no worth in herself and tries to fix problems that are not her own and find only pain when she fails to do so?

When I am in the moment of either a good or bad day, both of these versions of myself feel more real than the other. So which is it?

I need to figure it out.

Is it normal to be this self-aware if suffering from a mental illness? Would I even dare call it that? Not to say I would be ashamed of saying it if I did…but at my caliber of self worth at the moment…I don’t feel like my problems can match up to those of others.

I didn’t mean to start off the new year with such a negative post. But this is real life. This is my life that I document and to be honest, life isn’t all sunshine and daisies.

I want to be as authentic as I can to myself and to all of you. I’d say it is easier to do so behind a computer screen but I digress.

To those of you who also have bad days..don’t give your power away to circumstance. Don’t let yourself sink into the hole that you created to drown in. I’m down but I’m not out. I will fight to get out of that hole.

There’s something that I found myself repeating today:

Make it a good day. 

 

I hope it helps.

Thanks for reading.

 

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Going to be Hopeful

This is another post about the election…however it’s not so much about the election itself but my attitude now that it’s over.

Though this may be just the beginning for a new president, I know there are still tremors of fear rumbling throughout the country. There are people that are scared, I can understand why. There are people that are hopeful and I’m trying to understand why.

Even though I’m disappointed in the results, I know this won’t be the last time it will happen. There will be other presidents that I won’t agree with. Statistically, I can be sure of that. For now, the only thing I can do is have faith in my country.

I’m not going to denounce the government because things didn’t work out the way I would have wanted them to. It is the way it is and I have to accept it.

I’m still upset but eventually I will get to acceptance. At least now, I see it as a destination down the road to realization. I’m sure it’s going to be a bumpy road for many people, but that point will come where we say, “Life is still going on. We’re okay.”

I had a chance to vent today during class and although I felt shaky afterwards (my hands were literally shaking) and slightly embarrassed from being so passionate in front of my peers, I felt better just talking about it. Standing on my soapbox and saying my piece helped me reach my own realizations (even if I did call Trump a ‘hairy cheeto’).

Maybe if we just talk about the elephant in the room instead of avoiding it like the plague, we could actually get somewhere with our differences.

Dialogue is a beautiful thing, so if it is at all possible to keep a civil conversation going about any topic that people have differing views on, then by all means we should keep it going. I won’t downplay protesting or other ways of exercising rights, I’m just saying that I believe in the power of talking things out.

Being aware of the problem is the first step to healing and talking helps bring out the awareness.

Thank you for reading.

 

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Productivity High

It feels so nice to be done with a to-do list.

By giving myself several things to do each day (save for the weekends) I am not only able to keep myself busy but also have that sense of accomplishment once all the points are checked off for that day.

And just a while ago I finished my to-do list for today. Granted, it wasn’t much..just starting and finishing an assignment that’s due this week but after being sick this past week (bronchitis of all things) I feel good to just spend the rest of the evening relaxing.

I don’t know what it is about that giddy feeling I get while I’m crossing something off my list. Is it the sense of productivity? Actually having a tangible thing to grasp and knowing that yes, I am doing something with my life?

Does anyone else know what I’m talking about? Please, share with me if you do get this sort of high just from crossing out ‘do the laundry’ on your list.

Have you completed your to-do list today? If not, don’t fret. Do what you can today and give yourself rest. Don’t overwork yourself.

Let’s take it easy and even though it’s Tuesday, let’s enjoy a warm hug to gain strength for tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!

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Live Like There’s No Mañana

This past friday, I was in a waiting room where I overheard a elderly woman from out of state talking to a local man. It was just small-talk, just a casual conversation. She wasn’t talking to anyone and I suppose he either wanted to talk to someone or make her feel more comfortable.

It was a small waiting room, relatively quiet with few people inside (including myself). I won’t excuse my eavesdropping but like I said, it was hard not to listen to the only conversation in the room.

She was visiting for the season, as many people from up north like to do (Winter Texans) and said that everyone here lived in the ways of ‘mañana’, ‘tomorrow’ in English. Which means she implied everyone here likes to just procrastinate and do things tomorrow.

I live in South Texas which is a predominantly Hispanic region and to hear someone say that made me upset. I might even be offended if I’m still thinking about it although it happened days ago.

Now, my knee-jerk reaction was to say, “Where did you read that load of garbage?” I’ll elaborate on this in a minute. But, I kept quiet.

I wanted to wait and see what the man (who was Hispanic) would say as a reply.

He didn’t argue with her statement. He just repeated her comment with a submissive chuckle.

I was disappointed.

I wish I had said something. But I didn’t.

I didn’t because I had everything I wanted to say jumbled up in a ball in my throat and was afraid what I truly wanted to say wouldn’t come out.

I don’t like to start confrontations but this really affected me. I would have wanted to tell her that she was misinformed, not in a rude way but in a serious way. I wanted to say:

“Excuse me ma’am, but you are misinformed. I have lived here all my life and to hear someone who visits here once a year make assumptions about my culture is offensive.

I come from a people who work hard in order to support their family and will make any sacrifice to make sure they survive.

I come from blood who worked ungodly hours in the fields just so they can have enough money to buy food, pay bills and make their livelihood.

My grandmother had to sacrifice her education by leaving school in the 3rd grade because she had to help her family work picking in the fields.

My mother sacrificed her childhood to work summers by working in the scorching sun, picking cucumbers and wearing thick, hot gloves where the thorns still pricked her skin.

I come from a family that had to work before the sun came up until after it went back down. There was no time nor luxury to save it for ‘mañana’.

It is because of their hard work and sacrifice that I get to say I have not had to work in the fields. It is because of them that I can proudly say I have an education and am currently working on my Master’s degree. It is because of my family and the importance of hard work that I take my education seriously and am dedicated to my studies because I want to make them proud.

So if you think we are lazy and like to procrastinate, then you need to get to know us better.”

That was what I wanted to say. But I didn’t.

Unfortunately, I am almost certain of where she obtained this piece of misinformation. Currently, there is a controversy circulating around a proposed Texas textbook about Mexican heritage culture. This book is filled with factual errors, seems to promote racism and also has important information missing that explains the importance of Mexican culture in Texas. Here is an excerpt from the textbook that has since been removed due to the controversy:

“Industrialists were very driven, competitive men who were always on the clock and continually concerned about efficiency. They were used to their workers putting in a full day’s work, quiet­ly and obediently, and respecting rules, authority, and property. In contrast, Mexican laborers were not reared to put in a full day’s work so vigorously. There was a cultural attitude of “mañana,” or “tomorrow,” when it came to high-gear production. It was also traditional to skip work on Mondays, and drinking on the job could be a problem.”

Having misconstrued information presented in these textbooks could be highly problematic for the 5 million students that would be taught this in Texas schools. Just like the elderly woman, others would start presuming Mexicans are lazy. What would it do to the self-esteem of Hispanic students who, like me, have families that worked to the bone just to put food on the table?

And now, with all that is going on after this election, do we really need more stereotypes against us?

Protesting against this book is not over and will probably will not be until the Texas Board of Education makes their decision later this fall.

I am proud of my heritage. I am proud of my family and all they have done.

I will live in the present and do everything that I can because like they say,

“Live like there’s no tomorrow.”


If you would like to read the article I quoted in this post, you can follow this link:

http://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2016/09/14/493766128/texas-textbook-called-out-as-racist-against-mexican-americans

Thank you for reading.

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Thoughts After Day 1

I didn’t post yesterday.

I got home late and by the time I was relaxed enough, I was ready for some well deserved sleep. So I made the excuse of being sick and tired. Just mentally, physically and emotionally tired (and still a little sick).

However today I won’t let a stuffy nose stop me from writing. After today’s events what with the protesting and the hate crimes already beginning to escalate, I cannot find it within myself to keep quiet.

While scrolling on Twitter used to be a fun pastime, now it only serves as the horrid reminder of this reality we now live in. I see posts of people describing verbal and physical attacks against them by Trump supporters. There are videos of people showing their vehicles vandalized with derogatory words and TRUMP in capital letters. There are also videos of people beating up elderly and saying they deserved it because they voted for Trump.

This is wrong.

All of this hate is just so wrong. But it’s real.

It’s so real that it hurts and I wish it was just a nightmare. But it’s not.

No one deserves to be ridiculed or threatened because they are a different color or believe in a God other than your own. No human being on this earth has the right to say their religion is the right one.

No one deserves to be hated or demeaned because of what language they speak, who they identify as or who they love.

No one deserves to be treated as inferior just because of what their heritage is.

We all deserve respect.

It hasn’t been easy for me these past few days, and I know it won’t get any easier. I just can’t help but verbalizing my emotions into something tangible and structured because in all this chaos, I need something to remind me in the future that I have a voice and can be heard.

We can be strong in order to persevere.

What am I saying? We ARE strong.

We are strong and kind and won’t stop fighting for what we believe in because that is our right.

It is my right to speak.

It is your right to choose if you want to listen or not. But the important thing is that we ALL HAVE RIGHTS.

I have my beliefs and I believe that it is the good and kind people that make America great.

We are not our political party first. We are not Republican or Democrat first. We are American first.

I am standing my ground and doing what little I can to show my support to all those out there protesting and making their voices be heard.

These words may not be eloquent, they may not be inspiring. But they are mine.

 

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Literally Sick

This will be a short post for Day 8 of NaBloPoMo 2016.

Why? Because I am literally sick and I blame it on the election. Okay…maybe I don’t…but still. I feel pretty terrible right now. I’m sure my nerves aren’t helping this sore throat and runny nose, even though the results still aren’t in. You know, the FINAL results.

It’s pretty hard to stay optimistic when my ability to give a damn has been medicinally suppressed but I won’t lose hope in my country. I’ll have to make the best out of it, no matter what the outcome.

I’m seriously debating on whether I should just sleep and pray I wake up in a better tomorrow. I still haven’t decided.

Anyway, that’s all for me today..I hope I feel better enough tomorrow to write something longer and with meaning. For now, I’m going to take more cough medicine and cross my fingers.

Good night, everyone and thanks for reading.

 

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Tomorrow’s the Day…

Election day that is.

As I sit here in front of my laptop, typing away at the keys, I can hear the news from my living room. The constant rattling of news anchors has filled my ears and brain with election buzz for what, 2 years (?) and by tomorrow’s end it will finally all be over. I can have a blissful sigh of relief after relentless talk of emails and tax returns and mudslinging left and right! Finally, the news channels will talk about news again and the world will be all the better for it because we all know it’s not just us Americans who were being affected by the presidential coverage this election year.  Right?

Sike.

While I know this wishful thinking may not be totally realistic, I will be glad that the campaigning for both parties will be over. We seriously need a time limit for these things because I feel drained and left out to dehydrate in the sun like a piece of unwanted jerky due to the 24/7 news coverage. I was reduced to watching reality TV shows in my down time just for the sake of watching something that doesn’t make me want to scream into a pillow. (Unless it’s about the Kardashians. *shudder*)

I know I am not the only one who is frustrated with the way things were handled this year and for my fellow Americans who are as sick and tired as I am, I hope that tomorrow you go and vote for your chosen candidate. (Unless you voted early like I did.)

If you are undecided, think about who will bring about the change you want to see. We all have a voice, and by voting, we give life to that voice. One voice is loud, but a thousand voices is deafening.

It is one of our responsibilities as Americans to go out and vote, that is the entire purpose of our democracy. People have fought for the chance–the right to vote. We have gone through too much turmoil and circumstance as a country to be turned off from participating in this election. With that turmoil has been joy and pride..we are still capable of greater things.

I won’t tell you who to vote for. I’m nobody to persuade you.

Tomorrow is a day that will change the way we live in the US.

Don’t you want to be a part of it? 

(Easily find your polling place with this link)

Find Your Polling Place

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